Chapter 4 — HOME

Yesterday would have been more worse if it wasn’t for Kerlin’s decision to take a leave on her lectures in order to stay back and take care of me. She did not seem to believe my note syzygy story at all. After all, she cannot be blamed cause I have been having my own uncountable fantasies lately. About having a different type of world to live in where girls need not worry about being one, where she need not think whether she would fit into her society before she own a dream, where she is not constantly reminded of the perks she has got in spite of being one.

I could hardly set my mind on preparing for the upcoming tests or the college best-speaker selections. Though I have tried and lost all the time up there on stage, a mike in my hand, people to listen even if its one or two and a chance to word my thoughts is always where I fantasize myself to be. To share my stories, crack some of my listeners, inspire some or put some to thoughts. Maybe I could say it aloud about how my foolish decisions made me realize what I really wanted. About how mistakes must be made & failures must be faced — In order to find how strong you can be and how long you can go. For me it was never about being the best speaker. It was much more than that. It was peace and happiness, joy and excitement. It used to be a dream that formed rainbows in my sky and felt like raindrops on my eyes. But I cant feel any of them this time. Maybe all that happened within last few months affected me way more than I thought they did.

My home no more feels like one. The place is now filled with days that make me feel worthless and nights that make me breathless. Its not that I don’t love or care for anyone but its just that I loved myself a bit more and couldn’t see me drowning anymore. I had to step back from the fixed alliance as it was turning into a nightmare every passing day. It was hard to believe those who stood by me actually cared — watching them being part of a race to meet all the so called societal expectations instead of understanding the dilemma I was going through.

‘’ When does this societal race ends ? Don’t people even get fed up of impressing each other ?” — LUNA

Folding up the note, I walked towards the window from where the humming came. At the other end of the street ,it was Kerlin, playing my favourite song on her guitar. From the moon lit sky and the gentle breeze — clearly even nature was admiring her melody. And far away from home, I felt home.

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